I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
