Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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