So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
