Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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