Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Are my feet made of real feet?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
