don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You took a bar mat shot.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
