worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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