If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
