His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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