Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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