This is not my ceiling
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
