We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
