wrigley field is MILF paradise
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
