I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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