if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
