It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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