I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
