Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
