You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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