No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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