it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
