i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
