I wish life had little blips of pornography
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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