I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
