u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
