OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
