We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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