I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
