the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
try to milk me bitch
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