dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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