he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
