a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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