Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
