i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
