dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
