dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
