feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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