life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
