did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
