I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
