Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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