Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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