you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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