All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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