she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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