Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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