Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
