woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
