my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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