me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
