I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
should my penis look like a turkey
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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