I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Acid is not a monday night drug
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
