I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
