I have demons in me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
