saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
