just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
