Need sex. Gaining weight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Still dying that you shit outside
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
