i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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