Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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