I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
