She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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