So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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