I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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